How to make divorce work with children

When many think about divorce with children involved they get scared, frighten and don’t know what to do. “How can we make this work”, “Will we hurt the children”, “What if they have negative outcomes”

These are all questions that most parents think about when deciding on getting a divorce. The question that I think parents most often forget is, “how do we help our children succeed through this rough time”. To me, that is one of the most important questions that the parents need to ask. I believe this to be true because during this time, it will be harder on the children who don’t understand what is going on compared to the adults. 

There are some important tips that parents can use to make the transition a little easier on the children.

                1) Don’t bad mouth the other parent in front of the kid

                2) Keep rules and routines consistent between homes

                3) Share Birthdays

                4) UNDERSTAND that transition can be tough especially for younger children

                5) Reassure you kid that it wasn’t his/her fault

From this article that I read these are the 5 most important tips that I believe are important to work on when dealing with children in divorce. These tips allow children to realize that although mommy and daddy aren’t together anymore there are going to be few changes in their life. Parents separating are already a big change for the children but for them to know that other aspects of their life aren’t going to change makes this process run a whole lot smoother.

What do you think is the best way for parents to handle divorce when it comes to their child/children?

Co-Parenting after Divorce

Say What!!! Yes, co-parenting after divorce. This IS POSSIBLE!

I know what you are thinking: divorce = negative outcomes. WRONG! If parents just work together (for the sake of their children) co-parenting can successfully work. 

What is co-parenting you ask? “Co-parenting emphasizes an equal (or nearly equal) role for father” (Margulies)

Now that you know what it is I know that you are wondering how parents make this work. Well here is you answer:

There are six key tips to making co-parenting work.

1.      Residential Proximity

2.      Economic Parity

3.      Intelligent Scheduling

4.      Acceptance of Different Styles

5.      Acceptance of each other’s new mates

6.      Effective Conflict resolution

Co-parenting can successfully be achieved by following through with these six steps and not trying to start to this process after the divorce takes place but to start from the day you decide to get this divorce. I think this is the most important step in the process because you have to come together and cooperate with each other which may sound easier than done, especially if you are going through a hard divorce. But you also have to let the child know that although you two are going through a divorce and are separating from each other that you are going to work together to still provide the best lifestyle for the child growing up. This will not only make the process go by smoother but will also give the child peace of mind through this stressful event that is going on in their life.

What do you think makes co-parenting hard?

Benefits of Divorce

When most people think about the effects of divorce on children, they believe that there is a negative effect on children and their academic and emotion stability. Nobody really thinks of the other option that can happen with divorce, which are the benefits of divorce. Benefits I say. You probably think I’m crazy for even thinking that, but I’m not. 

 Coming from a divorced family and reading all of these articles that talked about divorce having a negative influence on children really stunned me. I have lived with divorce parents for the past 15 years and I have turned out perfectly fine. I really started to believe that I was just lucky to make it out, until I read this interesting article that discussed the benefits of divorce.

They believe the benefits of divorce include:

1.      When Mommy and Daddy are happier as individuals, their kids will be too.

2.      When the tension dissolves out of the house, kids will be more relaxed.

3.      When you model that you deserve to be in a satisfying and supportive relationship, you model something wonderful to your kids.

4.      With shared custody, kids have the opportunity to experience each parent as a full and competent parent.

5.      There's the potential for your kids to either witness you being happy on your own or finding a better partner, both of which are a good thing.  

These points are very interesting because you think that every parent in the world has the opportunity to achieve these benefits. Although I believe that divorce doesn’t always have negative effects, I still don’t believe that children will always have the chance to have these benefits as well.
The questions that I ask is, do you believe every child has the opportunity to get these benefits from divorce?

How to tell your children about divorce

When you and your partner have finally came to the conclusion that a divorce is necessary, how exactly do you go about telling your children?

Come on, who is really prepared to tell their child, regardless of age, that they are are getting a divorce? I think this is the toughest part about dealing with divorce when there are children are involved.  How do you tell them, how much should they know, when is the right time to tell them; etc. There are tons of questions you and your partner have to discuss before talking to your child, you cannot simply just walk up to your child and announce that you all are getting a divorce. A young child up to may not fully understand what is going on, where an older child will want to ask multiple questions to get an full understanding on what precisely is happening.

I think the most important information to remember when dealing with children is to tell them SOMETHING, even if you just telling them something simply as, “we don’t love each other anymore”. I believe the worst thing you can do is to keep them wondering. I can say this from personal experience. When my parents’ divorced they didn’t tell me about anything and until this day it keeps me wondering what really happened.

An article written by Dr.Phil called “Children’s needs while going through a divorce”, list a couple of tips that may help children progress through this stressful hardship.

1. Acceptance
2. Assurance of safety
3. Freedom from guilt or blame for the divorce
4. Need for structure
5. Need for a stable parent who has the strength to conduct business
6. Need to let kids be kids

These six tips are important to remember not only when opening up to the children about divorce but also when going through the process of the divorce. It’s extremely important that the kids feel safe and know that things will be okay.

What do you think is the most important tip for parents who are telling their child about the divorce?

Stay together for the kids?

One factor that I believe influences whether parents will get a divorce or stay together are the children. Seriously! Who wants their child/children to grow up in a broken home? Who wants their children to grow up going from house to house or having to have separate holidays and not be with both parents during things like birthdays or Christmas?  I honestly believe that no parent wants this to happen to their child.

The bigger question in situations like this is what would be best for the child?

Is it more important for children to stay in a home where it is clear that their parents aren’t getting along or is it better that these children live in a sort of broken home and their parents can work together to make sure that the child/children are living the best life that they can give to their children as a team. It doesn’t take parents living together for parents to work together and provide emotional, financial, and other types of support for children. But when you think about this you are also thinking about the relationship between the parents. When you have parents that can still get along and are still friends it is easier to make this type of “family” still work when parents both realize that even though they are not compatible and can’t make things work out between themselves they can still make the family work out.

The question I ask again, what would be better for the children?

I believe the best way to make this situation work is to make sure everybody in the family has a clear understanding on what is going on. It may be hard to tell your children especially the younger ones that may not really understand what is going on, but the more information is shared the easier it will be on the children. When you spring this kind of news on the children right before the divorce is going to happens, it makes the children worried and frightened on what is going to come next.

So what do you think? What situation is better for the children? Stay together or part ways and divorce?